I ask you, what has gone wrong with our society? I am not a bitter old man, I am just a middle-aged commuter who is sick and tired of putting up with sub-standard services and attitudes. I am talking about the terrible newfangled water / soap / hand-dryer stainless-steel combination things they have in train station Wcs and airports and on trains, of course. They don’t work, are a pile of junk rap when they do work (which they rarely do with any success), and to be honest if we are all paying so much money every day to use public services, shouldn’t we at least be able to wash our hands when we go to the toilet?

I think we should, but then again maybe it’s just me.

What is even more annoying is that we used to have sinks and hand-dryers that worked perfectly well. So why replace them with these obscure contraptions that are a jack of all trades and a complete shambles of achieving just one?

Who knows the answer to that! I know I don’t.

It’s a sign of the times, of course. These machines are just one example of technology which is supposed to look high-tech, but is actually heavily flawed and no more advanced than the most basic toaster (which would probably be better at drying your hands if truth be told). Not to mention that if you want to do something simple like look for sofas for sale you no longer go to a shop, oh no, you now have to go online or to a website or something similar. It makes sense in theory, I can understand that – it’s cheaper, of course, to have all this technology in one place rather than three separate places – but still, if it doesn’t work then it needs to be at least fixed. So often I come across these things and first I am confused because there are no buttons to press…and then when I do finally locate them I realize that actually, yes, the thing isn’t working anyway!

Come on people in charge of these things, all we want is our basic hygiene taken care of; is that too much to ask?

Apparently so…

The other day my friend challenged me to a duel: “I bet you can’t write anything legible by hand any more,” said He. “You work with computers so much I bet your hand-writing days are numbered!”

We were in the pub. Naturally, being almost thirty and having used my hands to write for 90% of my life, I couldn’t help but shout “What foolhardy nonsense you spout, let’s put money on it!”

That last part was a mistake.

I had thought that the bet would be confined to the table where we two sat, but alas my friend — reputed for his bizarre orange bum bag — had darker (and more profitable for him as it turns out) ideas. Off he went around the public house, asking members of the public if they would like to partake in pitting us against one another. Of course today was an unlucky day: almost every person asked said Yes.

Then I calmed myself: This is handwriting! I thought, I can do it with my eyes closed!

This was when I made my second mistake.

“I’ll even do it with my eyes closed!” I said, “there, now who’s worried?”

“Fine,” said my friend. “It didn’t have to end like this.”

This was when I expected him to show a look of worry: but he did not!

The battle ensued, with a ring of people waiting to see one man look a fool and a faker. I shut my eyes and concentrated hard on writing clear, easily interpretable letters. After one minute I opened my eyes and there it was: someone had clearly swapped the sheet of paper for one that a child had scribbled on! This is why you should never drink and hand-write.

A futile questioning of strangers session then began, with everyone saying this was, indeed, my own pathetic hand-writing. So I lost that bet. Later on I tried hand-writing again on my own, in the comfort and privacy of my home. But no, the computer age had ruined the skills I had worked so hard to learn as a youngster.

Listen and listen good: handwriting is a wonderful thing. Do not let your modern-age computer lifestyle ruin it!

Isn’t it about time that summer was over? It’s not that I don’t like the summer, but there are some elements of it that really bug me. Like the bugs.

In England, the tradition seems to be for men to strip to the first sign of warmth or sun, and - let’s face it - that’s usually pretty disgusting. Only a small percentage of men can really pull off the topless look, and that percentage is inevitably lower than average in England. Couple with that the female desire to wear as little as possible without appearing to be wearing as little as possible. Face facts. That just doesn’t work, and while women have greater license than men in many respects, there’s still a point where "too little"comes into play.

Then it’s time to throw in the heat. It’s not that it’s hot most of the time, it’s not. Temperatures in our fair isle never rise much above 30C, but it’s often still and sticky, making those train journeys into work pretty uncomfortable, and making getting to sleep at night harder than trying to fall asleep in metal packaging boxes.

I guess the good things about summer are the long days, and the lack of rain (though sometimes a good rain shower wouldn’t go amiss), and the fact that you don’t wake up freezing cold. There’s a fine line though, and it does feel like summer goes on too long. If I had it my way I’d keep Spring rolling for longer, and bring Autumn into play a few weeks sooner. Winter’s fine as it is.

Women are a part of men’s lives whether they want them to be or not. Most men however take great pleasure in and find an even greater comfort in women especially when they are wearing a white kaftan beach dress. This comfort stems from a number of different things men see in women.

First and foremost the comfort men find in women has to do with the level of companionship they provide. The old saying ‘nobody wants to be alone’ comes to mind here. Well almost every man wants to have a companion. Someone they can talk to, confide in, make love to, someone to love and be loved by, and someone to make them feel at ease with themselves and life in general.

Men love the care that women provide them with. There are some things that a woman would do for a man that he would not do for himself even if it is in his best interest. Many men may not say it to their women but they greatly appreciate this.

Women bring a certain joy to the lives of men. It is difficult to describe the joy many men have for women. It seems that in most cases women in part makes a man’s life worth living. For some men it is pointless to live their lives if not for their women. This is enormous when you consider the fact that most men do what they do with their lives in an effort to please their women. Some will seek to attain great wealth, recognition, or to be a good provider especially if they have a family, mostly because of the women in their lives.

Many men find women easy to be with and to engage. They like the differences they see in them and believe that it compliments their own personalities. What it boils down to is that men cannot do without women in this life and possible not the next.

Something that is extremely frustrating to me is how our government seems to have no problem jumping in to help out other countries when there is a problem but when it comes to those here that need help, they either have nothing to offer or are so slow about getting to it that there is no way it can be considered helpful. Why is this? Is this so that they can depend on other countries to give them a “good reference”? Why not try to help some of the many Americans that suffer on a daily basis?

Our country has hundreds of thousands of homeless children who don’t eat most days and yet we are offering to send money and food to countries far off. What about the children here in our country who have no families and are living in deplorable circumstances? Why are then pushed aside? Now you may say they aren’t pushed aside. The government does what they can to help them. Well, is it enough? How is it we can spend billions of dollars to fight wars overseas and here at home children die from hunger daily. Should children in the United States be starving or cold and homeless? This doesn’t even discuss the fact that so many children never see the inside of a school. How is this possible in what boasts to be the richest country in the world?

Children aside our country has millions of people right now without work who cannot afford to even pay the care fees for their families. They are completely willing and able to work but there is no work to be had. How is it many in our country believe the only way they are going to survive is to take matters into their own hands and make their own way because they can’t rely on the government for help in any way.

For all of you who don’t know about PDA, it can be loosely translated as Public Display of Affection. You know those couples that walk down the street holding hands, stopping to kiss every three to five minutes as if they have to prove to the world that it is the two of them against it.

To the detriment of many previous relationships, this kind of affectionate public cuddling is not really something I ever went in for. Whenever I am in a relationship I still want to be myself as I walk down the street, and not created some kind of symbiotic relationship with another life form every waking second. And I ask you, is that so wrong? Yet this ‘independent streak’ has in the past given off the (incorrect) impression that I didn’t want to be seen with the relationship-ee in question, and in extreme cases has even lead to a manic episode of self-doubt, resulting in her researching female hair loss treatments.

The thing is, it was never about not wanting to be seen with that person, or being on the lookout for another person to talk their place. It’s just if you are not the exact correct match physically, then walking down the street with your arm around someone all day can be very uncomfortable after awhile, not to mention trying to look at someone and hold a decent conversation with them when your face is about an inch away from theirs.

So to all my girlfriends of the past who have had a problem with this, please believe me when I say, it’s not you, it really is me!

I will be the first to admit that I spend far too much time sitting in front of my computer screen. How much is too much time? That’s debatable, but I’d say that when everything around you becomes two dimensional then you are in trouble.

Technology is great, no doubt about it, but when people look two dimensional it’s time to take a look at your working habits and see if a compromise between the real world and the digital one can’t be found.

Take my friend Derek as proof of this phenomenon: last week I bumped in to Derek on the street. Now, Derek has and always will be a large man, and no amount of jogging (which is what he was doing when we met) will likely be able to change that.

“Derek,” I said, “Is it me or are you somewhat two dimensional?”

Derek looked shocked. This, combined with his heart-attack face (and cheap liposuction look), made him look slightly deranged.

Then he smiled: “That’s the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid me, but you should really get your eyes tested…” he replied.

So I did, and guess what the outcome was? I need glasses is what. And why? Because I have spent far too many years staring at a screen. So, a stark word of advice to all of you people out there guilty of the same. Unless you want to start seeing fat people as thin and thin people as–almost non-existent, then I suggest you watch yourself.

I put off watching In Bruges for some time. If you’re not familiar it has Colin Farrel in it, is a strange kind of gangster film that is hard to compare with any other, and is a work of (and this is only my opinion) outright genius.

It seems strange to be writing this piece when I am really not a fan, in any way, of gangster films. I didn’t really like Lock Stock, for example, and apart from The Godfather I pretty much steer clear. The only reason I watched In Bruges at all was because a friend of mine recommended it. “Go on, you’ll love it,” he said, and I thought I bet I flippin’ won’t!

But I did love it, mainly because it did something, for me, that few gangster films manage to achieve. Past the guns and the crudeness and the action, it had a heart. A big one that I could see was made out of real emotion and real human understanding; made with all the equipment, or so it would seem, that you could fit inside a decent wooden box. It made me wonder what had happened to real acting and films that rely on characters with flaws and real personality, rather than CGI and clever editing.

Another good thing, and this depends on how you look at it, was the language. No, swearing is not big and it’s not clever but there is something to be said for being authentic, no matter what your taste is and what you consider too much or too little.

The other day, while traipsing around the internet and trying to avoid doing work (something I have become quite an expert at of late) I stumbled across something truly disturbing: it looked just like a regular pedal bin, but apparently you didn’t push the pedal down, no. Instead you simply placed your foot on it and then a sensor kicked in and the lid opened electronically. I say that again: electronically. It was supposed to be a labour-saving device, but what labour had it saved, exactly? If you have bothered to raise your foot and put it on the pedal then surely you may as well push down as well, no? I came to the conclusion that it actually wasted both your energy and the energy of the batteries too, because as you instinctively pushed down on the pedal and it didn’t move at all, surely you would exert a force on your body which would stop at the pedal instead of being converted in to motion!

This is just another example of the many needless things that we have filled our world with and that’s sole purpose seem to be to waste energy we sorely need for other more pressing things (another wasteful thing would be what I found ten minutes ago: designer kitchen accessories that looks like a small man sticking knives into his head…random…) Down with these wastes of space I say. Let us use our technology for what it should be used for: curing and keeping diseases at bay and making our world easier to live in.

People who aren’t tech savvy are often scared of online banking. Which is daft (“but then you would say that!” I hear the non-tech savvy say) considering that it really is very easy to do. All you need is a password and a computer and you, yes you, hold the power of your account entirely in your own hands. No more trekking to the bank to speak to some grumpy account manager who can’t be bothered. For the non-tech savvy (or just those who are but haven’t got around to it yet) here are my top reasons for doing online banking:

1) I save time. Yep. I save loads of the stuff. I don’t waste time driving in to town and getting stuck in traffic, and the best bit is that I can drink tea while I sort my finances!

2) It’s cheaper: that’s right folks. Many banks don’t charge for their online banking services and doing transfers of large sums of money costs very little.

3) This is my favourite: you don’t have to speak to someone. Not that I am against speaking to other humans, just that the humans I meet in the bank often want to sell me something I don’t need. By doing it all online there is no hassle.

4) Do it at your leisure. Yeah! That’s the way! No more having to rush out and be at the bank before it closes at stupid flippin’ 3 o’clock. Instead, you can sit in your pajamas, or even wear your favourite red bum bag if you so wish, and nobody will be the wiser.